I just recently started a job at the Missouri Botanical Gardens (a big plant place for those of you who don’t know what a botanical garden is). It’s landscaping work, which is fairly tough out in the heat, but I saw that coming and the pay is worth it and the people are good, so I generally enjoy the work.

But then the bug bites appeared.

I seemed to have forgotten that when you’re brushing up against foliage for 8 hours straight, bugs like to land on you and feast on your flesh, like tiny zombies. I’m itching as I type. In one week, I accumulated so many bug bites that I look like I have freaking chicken pox! It’s horrible, itchy, and it keeps me up at night scratching, which, incidentally, wakes my wife up at night and makes her think there’s a demon scratching at the door.

So, on with the gallons of hydrocotizone (or however you spell it), and the ten minutes of application to get every single bite. Seriously, I must have at least 50.

Actually, I just counted. It’s 99. NINETY-FREAKING-NINE BUG BITES!!! In a week!

So, a few questions popped into my head which I encourage you all to answer for me.

1. What’s a  good bug repellent that actually works, but doesn’t overload my body with chemicals and kill me?

2. For that matter, what’s a good cheap one?

3. Do bugs enjoy a challenge or something? I wear jeans and a T-shirt to work, so my arms, face, and neck are exposed. Of all my 99 bug bites, not one is on exposed flesh. What the heck? Do they like to burrow under the layers of sweat?

4. Do bugs hate sunscreen? It’s that why they don’t go for the obvious targets?

5. How do bugs get through jeans, boots, then socks to get to the top of my foot?

6. Why do bugs like my butt? Seriously, I’ve got 10 on one cheek alone, not counting my hip line, which looks like a connect-the-dots game.

7. Anyone wanna play connect the dots?

8. What are some good constellations? I bet I could find some on my body.

9. Is there anything unbiblical about mass genocide of all bugs that bite me?

10. How much would you have to get paid to get bit up by bugs all day?

That’s really all I have to say. Just venting some frustration and having some fun along the way. If you have an answer for any of those, please let me know!