So, I’m watering a bunch of plants at the Botanical Garden when this wasp flies up to me and says “Bzzt–zzt-zzt–Bzt?”

I said, “Yeah, it’s back the way you came,” while cocking my 50-calibur can of raid. “We don’t take kindly to yer type around these parts.” This boy was smart enough to flitter off as fast as he could.

I don’t know this wasp, and you can call me closed-minded all you like, but I know he was up to know good.

I’ll be a little policially incorrect here and just say what I really think (this is the internet, after all): I hate wasps. They are an unnatural abomination of the Devil trying to destroy our beautiful American culture.

I know there are wasp-rights activists out there, but they’re all a bunch of fruit loop, touchy-feely types that don’t have a good grasp on reality, and every one of them ends up lying in a ditch somewhere, writhing in pain.

I was only five when I first encountered the evils of their kind. I was playing on my cousin’s swing set, now I was just a good ol’ boy minding my own business and this dang wasp just flew down on my chin and drove his stinger into my flesh. No warning, no provocation. I was just there, a little boy whose innocence was stolen in that crystalized moment. It happened again when I was eight, again, playing on the swings. I sat down and this boy must’ve been waiting in ambush because POW! Got me right on the palm as I sat down.

What kind of monster hangs around a playground, waiting to ambush little kids? Pedophiles and terroritsts, that’s who!

I ain’t never seen a wasp that was up to any good. These unholy freaks attack without any warning and without any reason. I’m not the only victim. Many of my close friends–good ol’ boys who never bothered nobody–were stung on site just for being in the same square foot as a wasp, with or without knowing it. And if you even go within seeing distance of where they live, God have mercy on your soul. They are dangerously defensive about their homes, attacking people who have no intention of doing them any harm.

I remember being bullied in college by one of these…well, I’m a family man, so I’ll say “creatures.” I was walking back to my dorm and the building had the kind of handle with a thumb latch that you press down to open the door. I walked up to the door and saw a wasp sitting on the thumb latch. Now I needed to get inside, and he knew it, too. That’s why he was there, to pester me, someone he didn’t even know.

He glared at me with his antennae cocked to the side and his singer sagging (a current degenerate fashion statement), and said in the coldest voice I ever heard, “Do something about it.” Well, I’m no fool, I know when I’m outmanned, so I ducked my head, went around to the back door. I cried for a good while that night. Why do people have to be so mean?

Now I will give one thing to these wasp-lovers (nutjobs): it may just be their upbringing. They have a million of these critters living in one run-down Section 8 housing project, flying around cussin’ and fightin’ each other all day. Not one of ’em got a job. I saw one little wasp flying around with a bigger one and the bigger one said “zzzt–zzzt-zzt!” Now that’s a fair enough thing to say to your kid, but the boy just replied, “Bzit–bzz–BZT!” Now if my son said that, I’d tan his hide, but the father just flew like he hadn’t heard. That’s the problem right there: no respect for their parents.

But frankly, this low-class, underbelly-of-society nonsense ain’t no good reason for people to act like houlligans, bullies, and I’ll say it again, terrorists, cuz that they are! They prey on the defenseless, spreading fear and panic in the hearts of the boldest men. That’s a terrorist in my book. In fact, I AM writing a new book entitled “Wasps: The Domestic Threat No One Mentions” which should enlighten you to all the threats they pose to our security, our way of life, and just plain decency.

So if you’re ready to fight back against this menace to society, let’s light up the comment section to let our senators and representatives know that we’ve had enough of drive-by stingings and we ain’t gonna stand for it no more!

But if you’re one of them wasp huggers, then Bzit–bzz–bzt to you!