The world says I’m supposed to like a lot of things, but i don’t. So I made this list. Nuff said.

This is a list of stuff I’m supposed to like for one reason or another, but really, really, really, REALLY don’t for one reason or another. I’ll include why I’m SUPPOSED to like them and then a nice diatribe on why they suck.

I also want to hear from you guys! What do you hate that the world loves?

10. First-Person Shooters 

Why? Because I’m a gamer.

I love me some video games, but I have not bought any new ones in AGES. Why? Because every other title is a first-person shooter. That’s because the largest demographic of gamers right now enjoys first-person shooters. Look at the biggest titles: Halo, Call of Duty, Medal of Honor, Gears of War, Fallout, Half-Life, and that’s just scratching the surface! Sadly, I am not in that majority.

I don’t even really know why, but I do not enjoy looking down the sights of a gun. I don’t like maneuvering the tiny cross-hair to hit something that STILL won’t die. Melee is a joke because either my depth perception sucks or the game’s does. And multiplayer? Get out of my house! People are JERKS on these games! I hate playing with a group of guys that knows all the ins and outs and where the good guns will appear while I’m staring at my controller like, “What’s the X-Button do?!” Then they tea-bag me and call me a noob.

The Exception: Metroid Prime. Hyper-unrealistic lasters, lock-on targeting, and the ability to actually strafe properly? Boo-yah!

9. Pie

Why? I’m an American.

People always stare at me for this one. “You don’t like pie? Do you worship Satan or something?!” No,  just don’t like the crossing of textures! Ooh, a smooth, creamy feeling–oh, what the crap am I chewing now? Apples?! CANNOT COMPUTE! SPIT IT OUT! I hate fruit pies because my brain can’t figure out what it is: fruit or dessert? No. They’re not the same. They’re not.

So why not have chocolate pie or something that isn’t fruity? Because then it’s just weird. I don’t know why, but I just hate any sort of pie filling. It doesn’t taste like what it’s supposed to! So call me a communist, but you can keep your pies!

Exception: Pumpkin Pie. Consistent flavor and texture and I only eat one slice a year.

8. Apple products

Why? Because they own the world, that’s why.

I swear my church is sponsored by Starbucks and Apple. Everybody wants coffee and everybody keeps playing on their iphones. Not smart phones, iphones. Every other computer is a mac and they’re all telling me why I should serve their Apple overlords.

Look, Apple computers are great for a whole lot of things–better than PCs, even–but here’s the problem: I don’t use my computer for ANY of those things! I don’t do video, I don’t do photo anything…really, I don’t do a whole lot of media at all, and that seems to be the biggest selling point for Apple’s products. So why would I buy a computer that’s just as good as a PC for all the functions I actually use that costs more money?

As for iPhones, I just can’t afford a data plan. And tablets? Again, why spend money on a product that only does PART of what my laptop does and which costs more money?

Exception: Ipod. There really is no other, is there?

7. Beer (or any alcohol, really) 

Why? I’m a guy.

Yes, alcohol is a gender-neutral drink, but it seems to be a staple of manliness to crack open a Budweiser/Coors/Miller, whatever, I really don’t know the difference and I’m sorry if that sentence just offended anybody.

I just hate the taste of beer. It tastes like backwash urine. Now everybody says, “It’s an acquired taste!” Why the heck would you keep drinking something that tastes horrible, hoping that you’ll one day like it? Ah, to get drunk!

Honestly, I’m not a fan of getting drunk. I’ve been drunk twice in my life and I while nothing bad happened, I just don’t like giving my brain over to a substance. I like having control over my own body, so sue me. Besides that, I can taste the alcohol in ANYTHING. Wine, beer, the fruitiest froo-froo drinks, I can taste the alcohol. I don’t like drinking nail polish.

Exception: I discovered that a shot of cherry vodka and a liter of Sunny Delight tastes like Hawaiian punch and you can drink it without getting drunk if you don’t chug it…or six of ’em.

6. Starbucks (or coffee in general)

Why? I…really don’t know why…

Why is the world obsessed with coffee? Okay, yeah, it’s addictive (don’t lie to yourself; it is). But just like beer, how did people get hooked in the first place? Who sips a cup of coffee and says, “Mm, cigarette butts taste great through a blender!” I absolutely abhor the taste of straight coffee and the smell is just as bad.

Yeah, you can water it down with six shots of mocha, caramel, whipped cream, vanilla, strawberry, raspberry, apple, mango, butter, salt, and chili powder, but just like the alcohol, I can still taste the fried shame.

Exception: None. Seriously, I hate coffee.

5. Classic Movies 

Why? Cuz the world says so.

I have to be careful on this one because I actually do like some classic movies. I thoroughly enjoy 12 Angry Men, To Kill a Mockingbird, When Harry Met Sally, and maybe a few others that the world deems “classic.”

But most others, I found only moderately enjoyable at best. I just watched Roman Holiday and thought, “Eh, sure.” I saw True Grit and thought, “Decent.” I saw Breakfast at Tiffany’s and thought, “Why the flying crap do people like this movie?!”

And then there’s the mountain of movies I have not seen because I can’t get up the will! Either I know what happens or the movie just sounds stupid. Such entries are Psycho, Citizen Kane, Cujo, The Shining, Butch Cassidy and the Sudance Kid, and every single Woody Allen Movie. I’m sorry, I just can’t work up the gumption.

Exception: I already told you! Dude, pay attention!

4. Classic Literature

Why? Because I’m a writer

When you’re an English major, you have to sit through every ancient tome that was ever written and I’m going to be perfectly candid and say most of it was absolute garbage. I can understand why some books were milestones and important, but here’s the problem: so few of them have stood the test of time to still be good or even relevant books today.

Case and point: Beowulf. Basically the first written story ever. I get the significance. I DON’T get why people like it so much. The Scarlet Letter. Seriously? The little girl just KNEW who her father was? And spoke like an adult? The Canterburry Tales. I think I would seriously enjoy these stories if my stupid English teach had let us read them in modern, translated English. When the translation for middle-English fills as much of the page as the text itself, it’s hard to enjoy the story.

I could go on and on, but you get my point and I’ve tried to push as many as I could from my head.

Exception: Things fall Apart by Chinua Achebe, To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, and The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis.

3. Christian Media

Why? I’m a Christian.

“Wow, wasn’t that new Kirk Cameron movie amaaaazing?!” No. “What?! But it had such a great message about Jesus!” True. But as a MOVIE, it failed miserably!

Christians really put limits on what they think is good media. If it pleases God, it’s good. And yes, I believe that, but here’s what else I believe: good acting, good dialogue, good music, good plots, and a general sense of creativity DO NOT INSULT GOD!

Our movies are corny and predictable, but we’re supposed to buy them because they talk nice about Jesus. Our fiction books are all period pieces about a woman looking for love. Our music is all acoustic guitar strummings of a 30ish white guy singing with his eyes closed in reverent awe. Our TV shows demand money! Our comic books…don’t exist! Our video games were buried alive with all those ET games so no one would ever find them!

It’s horrible, absolutely horrible! Why do we settle for crap?! Why do we allow bad quality into our media and call it glorifying God?!

Look, Ecclesiastes 9:10 says, “Whatever your hands find to do, do with all your heart.” So does Colossians 3:23. In any line of work, you’re supposed to glorify God by doing a great job, by working hard and putting in your best because you’re working for God, not some employer.

So why we think we can half-heartedly shell out movies and music and call it holy?

Exception: The Ultimate Gift is the best movie I can think of, and it’s not exactly blockbuster material. As for music, I swear by Skillet, Toby Mac, dC Talk, and Carman. And in books, Frank Peretti and C.S. Lewis reign as kings.

2. Sports

Why? I’m a guy.

This one is almost psychologically scarring. No, I mean it! I had serious gender confusion issues thanks to this very topic! When I was a little boy, you either played sports, or you played hosue with the girls and J.P.!

And even today, men are almost required by law to like sports. And any man who doesn’t like sports is frowned upon, shunned, laughed at, or flat-out ignored.

I don’t play any sports. I don’t watch any sports. I don’t listen to any sports. I don’t have any FANTASY sports. I. Don’t. Do. Sports. And this boggles people.

I’m just not that competitive and I don’t find getting tackled or hip-checked very fun. I’m an artsy-fartsy kind of guy, an intellectual. And yet every time I’m in a gathering of men, I’m left out of at least one conversation because I didn’t watch last night’s game. I don’t even know what sports are playing right now! Is baseball still on? Or is it soccer? Football?

I know now that you don’t have to play sports to be a man, but good grief, the world really wants you to believe it!

Exception: I like going to baseball games for the fun and atmosphere, and the scorecard helps me stay focused.

1. Television

Why? Cuz why not?!

For my number one, I wanted something that truly makes peoples’ head explode. When I tell people I don’t have TV, they think “they don’t have Cable/satellite.” I say, No, we don’t even have public channels. “Oh, well didn’t you get one of those converter boxes when TV went digital?” No, I purposefully chose not to buy one because I did not want to watch any TV of any sort.

Then their eyes start to bulge like Arnold on Total Recall.

No TV? None? No TV shows whatsoever? No news? No sports (grr)? NOTHING?! How do you know who won American Idol?! How did you watch the Series Finale of Lost?! How do you…how do you go about your life?!

It’s rather simple: I don’t care about any of those things.

When my wife and I got our own place, we thought about the TV package we wanted to buy. Then we realized there were only 2 entire channels that we MIGHT watch. I was not going to pay $80 a month for an epic “maybe.”

Let’s be honest: how much quality programming is actually on TV? 50% is reality TV, which I utterly loathe. Most of the funny shows aren’t funny. Most of the serious shows are laughable. There are a few gems out there on the airwaves, but even then, I’d rather just buy the series on DVD for one $40 payment instead of $80 monthly! And that’s for the cheap stuff!

I should be clear: I’m not against TV, and it’s not that I don’t like it. There’s just really nothing on TV that truly interests me with very few exceptions, and my wife and I simply don’t have time to watch a lot of programming. What I may do someday is get Netflix or an Amazon Prime account. That way, we can watch the few shows we actually without having to pay through the nose for the shows we DON’T want. And we get anime cuz we’re nerds.

Sorry, world, I’m just that disconnected.

Exceptions: “Wipeout” makes me laugh, and “Sherlock” on BBC is really, really good. Honestly, that’s all I have my eyes on.

NOW IT’S YOUR TURN!

Do you sympathize with any of these? What things do you hate or just not care about, when the world says your entire life should revolve around them?