Why I’m Probably Not Voting Today

Dear Michael,

I know you recently spent a lot of time doing research on the various election options. I’m actually quite proud of you being proactive, printing off a sample ballot, and taking the time to know about the issues and transforming yourself into an informed voter. It’s your civic duty and you have done well to prepare for it.

Unfortunately, I have made an executive decision that you will have to remain at home today. More specifically, you shall be confined to your bed or the couch with a high temperature, cold sweats, dizziness, and a headache. I’m afraid I must insist on compliance, which is why I also siphoned your energy with a hose.

It’s nothing personal. It’s just that you’re trying to live your life without me, that’s all. I helped fight off your ear infection, but suddenly it’s like you think you don’t need me. We spent five beautiful days together and you drop me just like that? You are cruel. You don’t deserve to vote.

Sincerely,

Ms. Steroid.

P.S. This can end anytime you want it to…

Then she broke my legs with a sledgehammer.
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