50 Things I Wish I Didn’t Have to Tell Christians

Let’s have a few laughs, eh?

  1. Yes, you still have to follow the President.
  2. Obama is not the Antichrist. (If he is, this Tribulation is gonna be awesome.)
  3. “You’re Going to Hell” has never done any good.
  4. If people ARE going to Hell, it’s not something to be happy about.
  5. Being a Republican does not get you into heaven.
  6. America is not God’s biggest priority.
  7. Homosexuality is not a germ that spreads through air or skin contact.
  8. Pro-Choice does not have the same Webster definition as the word slut.
  9. Slut is a word you probably shouldn’t throw around.
  10. Saying “I love black people” does not win you any points. You’re supposed to.
  11. Yes, the Bible is important.
  12. If you cut out any one part of the Bible, you can toss out the whole thing. It’s all truth, or completely unreliable.
  13. Eve screwed up first, but Adam screwed up worse. He watched her fall and still went along with it.
  14. Ladies, the Bible says not to cause your brother to stumble. Cover the cleavage.
  15. Guys, stop staring at her cleavage.
  16. If you don’t want to get married, don’t. If you’re engaged and you don’t want to get married, break it off. If you’re at the altar and you don’t want to get married, say “I don’t.” You’re not obligated to anything or anyone until you go through with it.
  17. Please…please…PLEASE learn to clap on beat.
  18. A Christian message is no excuse for bad acting.
  19. The Disney logo does not have a subliminal Satanic message.
  20. Neither does playing a record backwards.
  21. Why are you playing a record backwards?
  22. The Devil doesn’t have little horns, a red jumpsuit, and a pitchfork.  You’re thinking of the guy on Powerpuff Girls.
  23. Lady Gaga is not the antichrist.
  24. Guys, stop staring at her cleavage.
  25. No, you should not read 50 Shades of Gray.
  26. No, you should not watch Magic Mike.
  27. No, you should not read Twilight, but that’s for completely different reasons.
  28. Sex is not evil (who made the plumbing, God or Satan?).
  29. Harry Potter is not teaching kids witchcraft. If it is, it’s radically ineffective.
  30. “America” has four syllables.
  31. The King James Version of the Bible is not the original.
  32. The Da Vinci Code is fiction.
  33. I’m quoting this one, but…going to church does not make you a Christian any more than being in a garage makes you a car.
  34. Yes, Jesus literally died.
  35. Yes, Jesus literally came back.
  36. Homosexuality and Abortion are not the cause of moral depravity. They’re the result of it.
  37. God has bigger plans than your comfort.
  38. Despite your signs, God is NOT happy when soldiers die.
  39. When you hear the phrase “Christian rap,” one of those words is false.
  40. Christian schools do not guarantee Christians.
  41. Your kids are only in Sunday School 1-2 hours a week. They can’t be held responsible for raising your kids. That’s your job.
  42. Guys, really stop and think about why you’re wearing a low-cut V-neck.
  43. Guys, stop staring at his cleavage.
  44. God gave you a brain. Quit asking the Holy Spirit where to put your chair on Sunday.
  45. Having faith that God will fill up your gas tank for you will not work. Try money.
  46. Money is not evil. The LOVE of money is evil.
  47. Technology is not the Devil.
  48. A 5-hour prayer is no holier than a 5-second one.
  49. 30 minutes is long enough for a good preacher, too long for a bad one (quoting my Granddad).
  50. Song of Solomon is not a metaphor. It’s a dude telling us how he boinked his wife and God thought it was super rad. Not. Joking.

10 thoughts on “50 Things I Wish I Didn’t Have to Tell Christians

  1. I love all of these! Except I must say I disagree with #39 – When you hear the phrase “Christian rap,” one of those words is false.

    There are some really respectable rappers who use their music and words to praise God and spread the Gospel of Love to people who may not find any power in a Michael W. Smith song. Lecrae comes to mind as one of the most influential.

    The other 49 were spot on though! Thanks for sharing 🙂


    1. I’ve heard Lecrae and he’s pretty good. I was just making a generalization. Rap’s a pretty aggressive medium and Christians are taught not to be, so…yeah. When they try to be relevant, it hurts.


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