You know, eating can be dangerous! I’ve eaten a pretty darn good amount of food in my day (and the day before and the day before) and I’ve seen just how much damage can come from our favorite past time. So, for fun, I collected five and listed them out here. Enjoy! Or die, either is possible here.
This is one of those injuries that puts you in that awkward mix of “only-an-idiot-would” and “Yeah-I-totally-did.”
You’re trying to stab something with your fork. It keeps rolling, so you hold it down with your finger and stab. The fork goes through the food and into your finger.
You’re cutting up a carrot. You run out of carrot, but keep cutting anyway.
Put the cheese in the grater, don’t stop until you see blood.
Food processor. That’s all I’m saying.
Whether it’s during your meal or while you’re still preparing, there are a hundred ways to jab, cut, grate, slice, poke, and puree yourself.
Dumbest of all time? I can’t count how many times I’ve tried to put a fork in my mouth and missed. Ouch.
#4–That Wasn’t Chewy!
You’re five-years-old. Some nice person (preferably a stranger) hands you a gumball. You’ve just won the five-year-old lottery. You pop that sucker in your mouth and chow down. And break your teeth because it was a jawbreaker. Or a paintball.
My grandma, God rest her, kept the gumballs in the same dish she kept the marbles. WHY?!
My wife once made Rice Krispy treats and they were so congealed that my wife actually hurt her tooth eating them.
Food is full of unpleasant surprises, and that’s not including when some non-food item gets into your meal. My dad was at [name removed for their own sake] and found an open staple in his mashed potatoes. Or rather, his gums did.
Technically, this isn’t a food injury since you only need a table, but oh Mama, does it make dinnertime a lot less fun.
It’s a simple scenario. You’re at the table, you bang your knee, you suck in a torrent of air, then hold it all in your lungs as little tears of why-me drip from your ducts. Proceed to cuss.
#2–Hot Grease/Hot Sauce/Hot Syrup
I honestly didn’t know which of these was the worst.
Grease generally gets the hottest, usually boiling and popping and making you earn your bacon. This stuff can actually make you go to the hospital.
Hot sauce, like marinara, generally doesn’t get quite as hot, but it’s not as smooth as grease, so it’s harder to wipe off in a pinch.
But hot syrup, or anything sticky? That doesn’t just splash onto you, it digs its roots deep into your flesh and boils your alive while praising its master, Satan.
You decide which is worst.
#1–Biting Your Tongue or Cheek
Mother Hubbard, that hurts!
No, it won’t send you to the hospital, no you may not bleed, no you may not need to sue a restaurant, but by golly, nothing else can ruin your meal like chomping down on your own flesh.
First of all, you feel like an idiot who can’t even chew without adult supervision. Open, now close down–watch the tonuge!–there you go, now open again, close slowly now…
Second, every time you chew anything for the rest of the meal (and meals to come), you feel that bite mark. Mostly because…
Thirdly, pain begets pain. If you get it once, you’re more likely to get it again. Like a heart attack, or strep throat. Because biting your lip or tongue has just caused that spot to swell, putting it closer to your teeth. Prepare yourself for unending agony.
That’s our bonus round for today: Biting that exact same spot AGAIN.
Do you know any others?