I’m convinced that Yankee Candle practices witchcraft. How else do they create smells from things that have no smell? Walk through a Yankee Candle shop (or whatever local knockoff will satisfy your inferior palate) and look at all the names of the products. You have normal scents like flowers, banana nut bread, citrus, you know, physical, tangible things you can actually stick your nose into and smell.

But then you have the bogus scents, always with artsy names like “Hesitation.” What in all yesterday’s crap are you talking about? Okay, I’ll bite. I’ll pop the lid off and get a good whiff; I’ve got to see what “Hesitation” smells like. *SNNIIIIIFFFF*

…well, that gives me pause…

How do they do that?! How do they take things that have no scent of their own and then mind-bend you into thinking they do? I think they use mind-controlling pheromones in their candles to make you obey your Yankee masters. That’s why they cost so flipping much. Twenty bucks for something that smells like cake? Sheesh, for less than that, I can make a cake so that the whole house smells like cake, and then I have cake!

Now, some SORT OF make sense. I mean they not have smells themselves, but invoke the memory of something that does. For example, what does “Home for the Holidays” smell like? I’m guessing cinnamon and peppermint, maybe some fruit. But “Season of Grace?” That’s an actual candle on Yankee Candle’s website. So is “North Pole,” “White Christmas,” “Seasons Blessings,” “Sparkling Angel,” and “Pink Sands.” Tell me, what does “Pink” smell like? And who goes around smelling sand?

The guy who makes Yankee Candles, that’s who.

Some scents are wonderfully specific. “Christmas Eve.” Does the eve smell better or worse than the morn? Bath and Body Works has a scent called “Twilight Woods.” I can imagine the woods part: woody, earthy, musky…but what does “Twilight” smell like? I’m inclined to say it smells like glitter.

And you know who started this trend of non-scents? Cologne and Perfume companies.

“Made to Measure?” How does that in any way occupy the nasal capacities? Walk through your local Macy’s and have a laugh at the absolute made-up-ness. Gucci has another scent called “Guilty.” Does it smell like another girl’s perfume? That’d be a very Inception-style way to sell perfume. Liz Claiborne has one called “Curve.” Not sure how you smell like a boomerang…or how it’s for men. Brittany Spears did a scent back in the day called “Lucky.” Did it smell like a casino? Hope not, those places smell like anxiety and shame. Oh, great, now I’m doing it.

My own wife wears a perfume called “Siren.” There’s a picture of a mermaid, so at least I know it doesn’t smell like a heart attack at 9am on the first Tuesday of the month. Apparently, it’s supposed to smell like seduction on the high seas. Okay, the smell is pretty sexy, but I’m not smelling the salt water. I myself used to wear a cologne by Axe called “Lab.” If laboratories actually smelled like this, scientists would hook up way more often. But now I’m wearing “Guess.” It’s bogus, but at least it’s fun. “What cologne is that?” “Guess!”

I think my favorite scent of all time is “Midnight” by Eau de Minuit. Why? Because it sounds like something you got from a bleary-eyed guy at a Grateful Dead concert. “Take a whiff of this, man. You can smell time.” But the only problem with that is that when you make a scent called “Midnight,” you’ve opened the floodgates. New from Yankee Candle! “Quarter-til-Three!” *SNNIIIIIFFFFF* Smells like I still have work to do!

The last thing I’ll say is they should make a candle that smells like poo, skunk, and vomit. What’s it called? “Regret.”

Merry Christmas, everybody. May your homes always smell sweet and may Yankee Candle not sue me.