This post may or not be rated R. I haven’t decided yet.

First off, you don’t just jump right into it. For one thing, you may want it, but do they? If you just walk up to a stranger’s house, knock on the door, and ask for sex, they’ll lock the door and call the cops. The same goes for evangelism. And if you don’t ask, and just start going at it, what are you doing? That’s right, rape. Unwanted evangelism seems to be an acceptable rape in the church’s eyes, but Jesus wasn’t a rapist, so stop it.

Yeah, this post is rated R.

But even if they’re willing, people don’t like having things just shoved down their throats. Both sex and evangelism require a proper application of foreplay (although very different types of foreplay; please don’t take this post THAT literally). Butter them up, take it slow, deliberately beat around the bush a little, cater to their desires, make them want it. Seduce. Good foreplay makes the whole ordeal more comfortable and more desirable.

THE EXCEPTION: Sometimes you just get lucky. Sometimes you meet someone in dire need. They want it, you want it, it’s easy to get going, it’s wild and passionate, and everybody has a good time/cigarette. Enjoy that when it happens, but know it’s rare. Normally, you have to be patient and listen to the other person.

Nobody likes a player. A player knows all the right lines and techniques to woo somebody into bed, but doesn’t actually care about them. To them, seduction is a selfish game meant to gratify the player. When I say seduce, I’m saying be genuine about it. You readers could probably fill a hundred comment pages with stories of Christians who were nothing more than players trying to get a notch on their bedpost.

It’s better in a relationship. Every study will show you that monogamous sex is more pleasurable. Why? Because you get to know their every delight and disdain, and they yours. When you both act on them–ooh, baby! Get to know this person, learn where they can take a friendly jab and where to use a tender touch. Take the time to get to know them; don’t give them a wham, bam, Great-I-Am.

It’s better to give than receive. The player wants to gratify himself, but the good lover is a giver, bent on filling the other person with joy. This involves sacrifice, delayed gratification, and perhaps a few neck cramps. But it goes to prove you actually care about them, that conversion is about their soul, not judgement.

You must make the other person feel safe. Sex and Christianity both require the person to be completely naked. This is a vulnerable place to be, especially in bad lighting. There’s no hiding the excesses, the lacks, the scars, and the deformities. But a good lover and a good Christian can look at all that and say, with total honesty, “Wow, you look incredible.” And remember, you have to get naked, too.

Don’t just do it with everybody and anybody. You’re much more effective when you’re personal, less likely to get burned, and appear less desperate. Two people stand on street corners and cater to everybody that walks by: preachers and prostitutes. Prostitutes know how to make it personal. Do you?

This may be the most sacrilegious thing you’ve ever read, it may be the funniest, it might be both. But it rings true, doesn’t it? Keep this little comparison in your mind next time you want to talk to someone about Christianity. Listen to them, cater to their needs. Jesus has something for everybody, and he wants to love them, not use them. Remember, it’s not about you.

And call them afterwards.