5 Disney Characters who Really Need a Hug

Being in a Disney movie is exhausting! You have to fight evil witches, wonder whether your children are alive or not, suffer a slow but steady economical decline at the hands of hyenas. You know, everyday problems. But good always triumphs in the end. The heroes get what they were searching for, the villain is vanquished, and everybody’s happy in the end…usually.

But some characters suffer more than their just due. They go through Hell and High Water, and what happens? The hero gets the girl, while their plights are just plain ignored or even extorted for the amusement of others.

This is a list of 5 Disney character who just need a big ol’ hug.

5. PRINCE JOHN from Robin Hood

All images from Disney.
All images from Disney.

Yeah, yeah, he’s evil. Raising taxes to unreasonable levels, beating and belittling his slippery servants, and killing off clergy members like it’s the Pagan New Year, but do you remember why?

“MUMMMYYYYYY!!” the poor old cat belies while sucking on his thumb. “Mother always did like Richard best!” he sobs. King Richard is Prince John’s older brother. Mommy loved him more, the people love him more, and the guy even has a mane! Prince John was nothing more than an angry old lion who was never hugged enough as a child. And throughout the movie, he’s robbed and left half-naked in the mud, held at knifepoint, dragged from bed while all his money gets stolen, and constantly destroys the artifacts of the mother he’s still trying so hard to please.

And he’s got a dirty thumb.

4. KING TRITON from THE LITTLE MERMAID

Disney 2

Imagine you’re a father with seven children. Some time after that seventh child, your wife dies. What would you want to do? Hold on to your remaining children, that’s right! Six of them play ball, but that youngest one…to be honest, there are some days you’d like to fry her up and serve her with chips. She’s constantly running away, missing important commitments, and worse yet, putting herself in direct sight of a race of creatures that get off to the very sight of someone like her! SHE’S SIXTEEN, PEOPLE!!

And look, you’re not ignorant to love; you remember what it was like to chase a tail because your hormones told you to. But this girl’s out of her mind. She just met the guy and she wants to marry him. Have we forgotten that this guy is part of a perverted people? Okay, time to lay down the law. Some parents spank, but you’re the King of the Sea, so you laser the CRAP out of everything she owns. Hmm, a bit harsh. It’s okay, she’ll get over it.

NOPE! She runs away! For two days there’s no sight of her. She could be off with that human, skewered on some harpoon, selling herself to humans at the local dock! But worse! She’s been tricked into a bargain by the sea witch who wants revenge on you for kicking her out of the palace. What can you do? The only thing a good father can: ZAP THE CRAP OUTTA THAT CONTRACT! But that doesn’t work, so you sign it instead. Now you’re seaweed and your kingdom is being destroyed.

But lo and behold, you’re you again! Everything’s right. Except your daughter is still lovestruck over the guy she barely knows who will likely sell pictures of her all over the internet. And after all her running away and nearly dying, the plot says you have to give her what she wants. Freaking heck! Now she’s marrying the pervert JUST when she’s actually starting to like you and think you’re an okay dad. But goodbye little one, we had a hard relationship together and now you’re gone forever just when things were getting good.

Here’s a rainbow. Maybe IT will hug me…

3. COGSWORTH from Beauty and the Beast

Disney 3

Poor Cogsworth. He was just trying to do the right thing, even if nobody noticed it. He was rude to Maurice and wouldn’t welcome him, but only because the Beast would likely make an ironic rug out of him. But thanks to the candle, he gets in trouble anyway. He’s in charge of the castle, but always the bearer of bad news. Notice the absolute terror in his eyes when he tells the Beast “She’s not coming.”

And why was Cogsworth the only one who realized that “Be Our Guest” roughly translates into “Hey Beast! Everybody in the Castle is Deliberately and Flagrantly Disobeying Your Direct Orders! HAHAHA!!” Is he the ONLY one who cares for the life of that poor girl who could save them all?

But no, he’s a stick in the mud. It’s not enough that he’s the butt of every physical joke in the movie. No, Cogsworth is charged with maintaining peace and order in the castle, managing the unseen daily operations that keep the Beast happy and the servants alive. He rallies the troops when the invaders come. He’s also the only one smart enough to find weapons before going into the fight. He even saves the life of the candle he so viciously hates! And who gets to walk off with the smoking hot feather duster? The bad boy candle who breaks all the rules.

Cogsworth would later be found hanging from a Gargoyle in the West Wing.

2. ZAZU from THE LION KING 

Disney 4

Zazu’s resume is quite impressive! Over ten years of loyalty to the royal family and many years to other families before that. Being a bird, he has a sharp eye and the ability to be virtually anywhere. He’s a respectful master and able to inspire confidence and unity in the most diverse of animals. What’s more, he has a keen memory for details, even the ability to throw in some well-meaning jokes during reports! He’s everything a king could want in a right-hand aide.

Welcome aboard, Zazu, here are some of your essential duties:

  • Pouncing target.
  • Plaything to a spoiled prince.
  • Rescuer of cubs from a trio of malicious serial killers.
  • Birdy Boiler Tester
  • Songbird

Hey, it’s a tough economy. You have to take what you can get.

1. MR. DARLING from PETER PAN 

Disney 5

Mr. Darling has the family from HELL. His children have no respect for his house or his clothing, tearing up their beds and drawing all over his shirt and stealing his cufflinks. Not to mention that his oldest daughter, Wendy, is feeding stories that rile the younger kids up right before bedtime! And you know what? Wendy’s, like, eleven! She’s going to be “developing” any second now. She needs her own room, away from prying eyes of curious boys. And what is his thanks? They act like he’s trying to sell her into prostitution.

And on top of that, Mr. Darling is the ONLY person in the entire house who thinks, “You know what? A St. Bernard really isn’t the best person to manage my household affairs.” To make matters worse, the dog keeps getting in his way, resulting in a horrifying, catastrophic crash that leaves him in a wounded heap. What does his family do? They tend to the DOG.

But the saddest part comes at the very end. When Mr. Darling sees Captain Hook’s ship flying through the clouds, something awakens in him. “I think I’ve seen that ship before! A long time ago…when I was very young.” Mr. Darling apparently his own adventures in Neverland. That’s a story I want to hear, first of all. Second, he just said that the pressures of life and growing up caused him to completely forget his most powerful and magical childhood memories, leaving only an angry and empty shell, unloved and unappreciated by his family.

C’mere, big guy. Let it out.

ANYBODY ELSE I MISSED? 

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