A Children’s Game Worse than Grand Theft Auto!?

Shoot the moon
Created by Shaun Coleman. Available at the iTunes app store.

 

The other day, I saw a Kindergarten boy playing a game on his dad’s iPad called “Shoot the Moon.” It’s one of those silly app games that’s as simple as its title. You tap the screen to shoot a rocket at the moon. Of course, the moon moves around the screen, singing “In the Hall of the Mountain King.” Naturally. It’s a silly little bit of nonsense, but then I went home and realized something.

That game is more dangerous than the Grand Theft Auto series. Why aren’t game critics all over this thing, man?

Think about it for a second. You’re shooting rockets at the moon. Why? Why would someone do that? At first, I thought it was just because you’re a bored psychopath or something, but according to the iTunes game store, you’re shooting at the moon BECAUSE he’s singing. So the game is teaching people that it’s okay to fire an RPG at someone who won’t stop singing?

Do you realize what lengths your character has gone to? You’ve created surface-to-moon missiles. Or perhaps a spaceship that can make it to the moon, but then you hover around shooting it instead of exploring it for the advancement of science. How far will you go to rid yourself of a simple nuisance?!

And I think the ramifications of this game would be far worse than Grand Theft Auto. I mean you’re killing the moon. The MOON. Do you know what the moon does? Other than freak you out on Halloween, chart your girlfriend’s period, and provide an endless cache of bare-butt jokes, the moon commands the tides.

So because you start shooting missiles at it, the moon begins to dance around, trying not to be killed. As the levels progress, it dances around the cosmos, avoiding your unquenchable rage. Do you know what that would do to the oceans? The rampant rise and fall of flood waters would be absolutely insane. There would be death, shipwrecks, and soggy socks for weeks. The carnage!

And what happens if you win? I haven’t seen the end, but do you destroy the moon? What would THAT do to the tides? If Avatar the Last Airbender was right, the Fire Nation would win. Is that what you want?! But seriously, it can’t be good for aquatic ecology. And if you don’t destroy the moon, you’ve blasted pieces of it into space, possibly to come spiraling into Earth, Armageddon style. And I’m sure NASA would fine you, like, fifty bucks.

Destruction of the moon would be far more detrimental to the world than some rampant criminal activity in a 5-square-mile range. So why aren’t the video-game bashers all over it? Can’t they see that cosmic damage is far worse than hyper-localized shootouts? I mean it’s also far more realistic. We actually have been to the moon and we have all kinds of dangerous explosives. Taking over San Andreas by bloody force without ramifications? Pfft. Fiction.

Come on, video game critics. If you’re going to be freaked out by pure fiction…shoot for the moon.

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