You know you’ve been dying for this list. I don’t care if you’ve seen a hundred of them, you still want to see another one condemning the pieces of trash that assault our ears every year. Why is it that bad Christmas songs are worse than bad songs? Is it because there are six renditions of each one and each one is overplayed to the point of brainwashing you into a drooling henchman? Probably.

Whatever the reason, we all have our lists of crappy songs, some of us way more than ten, so let’s commiserate together. Just one rule: a song can’t make this list just because it’s overplayed. Overplayed is a subjective term and that doesn’t mean the song is bad per se. Just songs that suck on their own merit.

Help me out on this one. List any songs you hate that don’t appear on my list and if I get enough, I’ll do a people’s-choice post for worst songs ever. Until then, here are the worst I could find. Click each title for a Youtube clip.

1. All I Want For Christmas is my Two Front Teeth

Children’s Christmas songs may be worse than torture. This one is the king of them all in my opinion because it’s an unfunny joke that’s sung over and over and over again. The kid wants his front teeth so he doesn’t whistle when he says “Merry Christmas.” Hilarious. Worse is the crappy version you hear on the radio all the time where a grown man sings like a child. It’s as grating as it sounds. Click the title above for proof.

2. Haul Out the Holly

I’m not sure what about this song grates me. Maybe it’s the 1920s recording. Maybe it’s how generic it is. “We need a little Christmas!” Which means…what, exactly? C’mon, even Whoville knew this one!

3. Happy Holidays

Look, I like Andy Williams a bit, but this song needs to stop. Like the last one, I’m not sure why I hate it, but I think it has to do with how smug the guy sounds when he sings stupid lyrics like “Whoop-dee-doo…and hickory-dock.” And shouldn’t “whoop-dee-doo” sound more excited? And the line “He’ll be coming down the chimney down” sounds like a typo that he sung anyway. Just annoying.

4. So This is Christmas by John Lennon and I’m pretty sure Yoko Ono.

I do not like the Beatles. I do not like John Lennon. There, I said it. Never been a fan and this song is just plain annoying. And if that’s not Yoko Ono singing the chorus, then it’s somebody with just as bad a voice.

5. Last Christmas by Wham!

Okay, I was born in the 80s, I love me some synthesizers, but Wham!? Really? The guy has as much testosterone as Justin Beiber. And the song itself is repetitive beyond reason.

6. The Twelve Days of Christmas

You know that song “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall?” This is the Christmas equivalent. Or more like “The Song that Never Ends” from Lambchop. The song is okay at first, but then you realize that whoever started singing it is going to actually sing every single lyric of every single day until they get to the end and expect you to be impressed with them instead of beating them over the head with one of those giant popcorn tins your uncle gives you every year. However, Straight No Chaser actually makes this song bearable, so click here to hear it done right.

7. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Why? Just why? Who would write this song? Just listen to the lyrics. This old woman drank too much eggnog and didn’t take her meds. They found her dead in the snow the next morning. The dumbest part is that they just found hoofprints and claw marks on her, so there’s no real proof that Santa exists, despite what the song says. And the song just goes on. Grandma’s dead, move along, nothing to see here. And what a happy tune! Stupid.

8. Santa, Baby

This is a fetish song. It’s a song about a woman trying to seduce Santa so she’ll get good presents. Sexual objectification and materialism at its finest. I know the song is tongue-in-cheek, but it’s still disturbing. I mean the line “hurry down the chimney tonight.” Clever, but ew. Didn’t help that they played it during a Victoria’s Secret commercial once.

9. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by the Jackson 5

Another kid’s song that’s supposed to be cute, and honestly, it sort of is. Unless it’s sung by the Jackson 5. Little Michael had a terribly annoying voice, it turns out. Not to mention he likes to shout and talk during the song. Nothing annoys me more than people who talk during their own songs. You’re already singing, must you hear your own voice some more?

10. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas by Gayla Peevey

If you have found a voice more nasally and annoying than this girl’s voice, then all my Youtube links are nothing to you because you have gone deaf. Congratulations, you have officially escaped the horrors of crappy Christmas songs. If you can get this one out of your head.

Your turn! What are the worst Christmas songs ever and why?